I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
