i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just invented taco cereal.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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