I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
