It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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