I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
