im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
