I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
