Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
