Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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