pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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