News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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