It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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