Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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