I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize