you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
