I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
