Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
