Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
