PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
