I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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