No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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