I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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