i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
