so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
