I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
