You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
