false alarm. still invincible.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
