And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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