so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
