Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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