We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Green mimosas i think yes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize
