hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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