everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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