You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
