fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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