3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
