I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
