I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize