my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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