you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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