I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
