Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
