Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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