Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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