I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
