I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
