filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
