I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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