I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
