Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
