i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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