We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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