Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
