someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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