and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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