This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
