I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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