I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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